There’s a big difference between a compliment (“That’s a beautiful dress”) and a back-handed compliment (“That’s a beautiful dress – I had the same one in high school”). One makes you feel better; the other leaves you feeling worse.
“There’s no better example of passive-aggressive behaviour than the backhanded compliment,” says Griffin. “My personal favourite is the communication that starts with ‘I’m not trying to be mean, but….’ Or ‘I’m not judging you.…’ Or ‘I mean this in the best way…’ when in fact, what is about to come out of their mouth is mean, judgmental, and not the best.”
So how can you deal with insults hidden in compliments? Dr Olulade recommends expressing your feelings if it’s somebody you otherwise feel safe with.
“If it’s a pattern with this person, then you may express that this was hurtful to you. You can also choose to ignore it, but it’s important not to internalise it and use it as a point of self-criticism,” she says. “Don’t go into a self-critical spiral. Remember, it’s about them and their inappropriate behaviour – not about you.”