For when you need the laughs to come fast, here are 73 top-notch rib-ticklers that you can deploy in any social situation. Enjoy.
1. What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you're probably a genius.
2. I invented a new word!
Plagiarism! Don't miss these hilarious 23 work cartoons to help you through the week.
3. Did you hear about the mathematician…
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them. Check out the 5 funniest tweets about why people got fired.
4. Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”
Because every play has a cast. Enjoy these 5 funny tweets about animals.
5. Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.” This health-based humour proves that laughter really is the best medicine.
6. Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters…
I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?” Find out some fascinating facts about humour.
7. Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Control Freak.
Con…
OK, now you say, “Control Freak who?”
8. Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
9. A woman in labour suddenly shouted…
“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”
10. A bear walks into a bar and says…
“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”
11. Did you hear about the actor….
He was just going through a stage.
12. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed a little space.
13. Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
14. Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To get to the other side.
15. Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory.
16. How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him in the mainstream.
17. What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
18. What does a nosy pepper do?
Gets jalapeño business!
19. How does Moses make tea?
He brews.
20. Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.
21. A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me…”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”
22. What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.
23. Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?
Because you should never drink and derive.
24. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.
25. What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
26. What’s the different between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
27. Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?
It’s two gross.
28. What did the Tin Man say…
“Curses! Foil again!”
29. What did the bald man exclaim…
Thanks – I’ll never part with it!
30. What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
31. What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
32. What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
33. How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
34. What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt!
35. What do you call a pony with a cough?
A little horse.
36. What did one hat say to the other?
You wait here. I’ll go on a head.
37. What do you call a magic dog?
A labracadabrador.
38. What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish?
This tastes a little funny.
39. What’s orange and sounds like a carrot?
A parrot.
40. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the “P” is silent.
41. What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
42.What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye matey.
43. Why did the frog take the bus to work today?
His car got toad away.
44. What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?
Bison.
45. What is an astronaut’s favourite part on a computer?
The space bar.
46. Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibition?
Because it was cultured.
47. What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
48. Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
He drank the coffee before it was cool.
49. Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.
He kept leaving little messages around the house.
50. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked at me surprised.
51. Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
52. What’s Forest Gump’s password?
1Forest1.
53. How do poets say hello?
Hey, haven’t we metaphor?
54. Where does Batman go to the bathroom?
The batroom.
55. Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?
Because he lost his filling.
56. What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
57. Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
They dribble all the time.
58. What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings?
Any dog, because buildings can’t jump.
59. How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?
Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.
60. Why did the M&M go to school?
It wanted to be a Smartie.
61. Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
62. I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
63. I poured root beer in a square glass.
Now I just have beer.
64. Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
They don’t meet the koalafications.
65. Rest in peace to boiling water.
You will be mist.
66. What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?
A chicken sees a salad.
67. Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
68. How do you throw a space party?
You planet.
69. The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.
70. Why did it get so hot in the baseball stadium after the game
All of the fans left.
71. What do you call a train carrying bubblegum?
A chew-chew train.
72. Why did the math textbook visit the guidance counselor?
It needed help figuring out its problems.
73. Why can’t male ants sink?
They’re buoy-ant.
This article first appeared on Reader's Digest.