Often when a person is dying they find that everybody around them wants to change the subject for fear of upsetting them. Yet for them, being able to express what they are really feeling can be incredibly powerful. Simply being with the person and listening may be the greatest gift you can give.
Don’t worry too much about finding the perfect words. Listen from a place of acceptance, compassion and non-judgement about what they need to express – whether it’s sadness, exhaustion, anger, guilt, shame or loss of purpose.
Help them to remember and celebrate their life, to reflect on what has happened and to acknowledge it has all been worthwhile. Dying can be a very lonely experience, and often what people want to hear is that they will be loved and supported until the end.
“Begin to explore what’s scaring them,” says Liz Arnott, a social worker at a children’s hospice. “You can reassure them that the medical side of things will make them more comfortable, that they will be surrounded by people who love them and they’re in a safe space.”
Suggested words:
The four phrases identified by US palliative care physician Ira Byock as mattering most in our lives are especially important at the end:
- “Please forgive me.”
- “I forgive you.”
- “Thank you.”
- “I love you.”