Abusers generally don’t start off at full force, or else their victim would immediately leave; rather, they start slowly, which adds to the sense of confusion and unreality the victim experiences, says Stephanie Sarkis, PhD, a psychotherapist and author of Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People – and Break Free. In fact, gaslighting examples often start as a fairytale romance.
“Gaslighters will ‘love bomb‘ you with affection, attention and gifts, as a way to gain control and make you trust them,” Sarkis says. “Then once you love them, little by little, the gaslighter will start to pick you apart and criticise you.” This red flag shows up as early as the first date, with the gaslighter asking a lot of personal questions, pressing for intimacy very quickly, and giving lots of gifts or declarations of love, she says.
Once in the relationship, there are three main phases that a victim goes through during the gaslighting process, Stern explains.
Disbelief. The first few times someone tries to change your reality, you will likely not believe them and may tell them that they’re wrong or they have misunderstood the situation.
Defence. The more someone gaslights you, the more you begin to question whether the gaslighter has a point, but you will still try to defend yourself. You will try to disprove their statements with logic or try to reason with them, but you will try to “be fair” and see it from their point of view as well.
Depression. After a while, you believe them, particularly if their criticisms stem from a fear you have. The more the gaslighter can keep you feeling insecure and questioning your reality, the more you’ll believe their explanations. Over time, you reach a point where your self-confidence is destroyed, and you no longer trust yourself.
The gaslighter’s ultimate goal is to make you doubt yourself so much that you will become totally dependent on them and only them, allowing them to control you, she says.